Vampires and Lovers and Hollywood, Oh My!
by collegemama
Summary: Very Alternate Universe.  Vamps have been outed, Edward is a famous star, and 300-year-old vampire, and Bella is a 30-year-old mother and student. How do these two cross paths and what does their future hold?
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: Very Alternate Universe. Humanity knows about vamps, Volterra aren't entirely evil, and there are a few characters not associated with Ms. Meyer's books. Edward is a famous star, and 300-year-old vampire, Bella is a 30-year-old mother and student. Are they destined to be together? If so, can they reconcile these radically different lifestyles?**

**The characters you recognize from Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyer. Kit Marlow belongs to us all (but maybe not his work)!**

_Chapter 1_

"Okay Edward, here's the updated script. We need you to be ready to shoot in two months, can you do the background research in that time?" my agent asked. He was a good agent, but like most agents had the phoniest smile imaginable. He also had an odd habit of dropping silent, but deadly, gas on unsuspecting victims.

Right now I was one of those victims. Wow, what does that guy eat?

I was playing a single dad, getting his PhD in psychology while trying to raise two children. It was a romantic comedy about the struggles with balancing career, children, and dating.

I was totally out of my league, in the sense that I had no personal experience with having children and certainly not having children while going to university. The humans I had gone to university with seemed to struggle to balance it all.

I guess that's why I'm paid so well, and why I'm not down a well, as my maker has said many times. He's right, and I am grateful.

Those in the business have no idea that I'm a vampire and attribute my flawless read-throughs as perfectionism. In truth my memory, as with all vampires, is meticulous. Makes acting very easy.

It also made acting a huge problem. That is, until the Volterra suddenly decided it was time for the world to know about vampires. While not cruel, Aro was a megalomaniac and loved attention. The first few sacrificial lambs were examined (a.k.a. tortured) while the rest of us hid out until the coast was clear.

Luckily, it was determined we were no threat as we only drink the blood from animals and humans in sexual acts – as long as the humans give consent, that is.

Unfortunately, it makes having children impossible. The moment I was bitten I became infertile. Unfortunately, I didn't have children as a mortal either, though I had always wanted to.

Shaking out of my reverie I finally replied, "Yeah, no problem." However, I was a bit nervous about finding a single graduate student with children.

On top of it all I really wanted someone who was studying psychology, so that I would have the extra resources for my research about the basics of that field.

I said good-bye to my helpful, but oh-so-smelly human agent and headed out.

The day was beautiful; the sky was overcast, and the temperature perfect. What? Surprised I can go out during the day? Well my friends, that whole burning to a crisp in the sun is a myth. We do have this nasty habit of sparkling if the sun is bright. So today was brilliant.

What? Are you noticing that most 300-year-old vampires don't speak like a hip cat? Well, I've seen many friends who lived a long time, stayed stuck in the past, and ended up not being able to handle eternity. Eventually begging the Volterra to end the suffering.

I've found that the key is to fully embrace the zeitgeist of the time, including the slang words. Some generations are easier than others to embrace. The Victorian era, not so much.

Some places are easier to swallow than others as well. Chicago in the early 1900's, for instance, sucked during the Spanish Influenza. The power of Pine Sol was severely lacking, I can assure you.

The weather reminded me of my homeland, England. As I walked back to my flat in New York, I thought of research strategies. My play ends this weekend, so I'll have plenty of time to track someone down to shadow. That would be the best way to get experience, but who?

As I opened the door to my flat I was overwhelmed with the smell of Pine Sol. Sign number one that the cleaning lady came today, which was my favorite because I love the smell of Pine Sol. Seriously, get the Power of Pine Sol, people!

As I walked in, I set my bag with the new script on the floor in the entryway and glanced at the pictures on the foyer's table.

I had pictures of my maker, Carlisle and his mate, Esme, a painting of the whole family. I looked at the painting of me, Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Emmett, Mary Alice, and Jasper all sitting at a table; smiling warmly.

And another painting of my best friend, Kit (or Christopher Marlow as many know him) and I posed in the most ridiculous fashion. Picture 1700's, puffy shirts, puffy skirts, and Kit's fantastic idea to act out a scene from the latest opera at the time.

Unfortunately that was the Marriage of Figaro. Guess who played the female love interest? Yup…what can I say? He's very persuasive.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Note: **_** See chapter 1 for disclaimers regarding copyright info. No infringement is intended!**

**Forgot to mention that in this AU no vampires have "special" powers. Everyone is just faster, stronger, able to access long-term memory easier, and immortal. Same things can kill them as in S.M. universe (i.e. being torn to pieces and burnt) but the venom is not as deadly. Let me know what you think!**

Chapter 2

My mind began to click and the pieces fell into place as I realized that Kit had recently taken up reading about psychology. This was the next big thing he was delving into.

Last year it was knitting. As a result, I do believe I'll have enough cable-knit sweaters and tea cozies to last an eternity – pun intended.

I decided to phone Kit to see if he knew of any good psychologists working at universities in the US. I rang him up right away, completely ignoring time differences.

"My God, it's little Eddie Mason Cullen! How are you, mate?" was his greeting. Ugh, just love to be called 'Eddie'.

"Hey 'Oh-Kit-of-the-tiny-bullocks clan', how are you?" was my charming and witty reply.

"Ha, ha. I suppose I deserved that. Anyway, I'm great. Having a fantastic time with all this publicity since we've come out, thanks for asking. I'm finally getting my due and 'ole Bard ain't around to steal me glory. Bastard. And you?"

I had to proceed carefully because this conversation could easily become a 3-hour conversation about the merits of Marlow and 'total lack of creativity of Shakespeare'. No one wants that.

No one.

And never, ever mention that Shakespeare's work might be pretty okay too, or stood the test of time. You'll be talking him off a ledge before long, regardless of the fact that the silly-twit would survive the fall. And you'll do this well aware of that fact because he's just that brilliant.

It's all part of the charm and drama of befriending Kit Marlow and it kept a lonely eternity a little less dull.

"Why am I not surprised that you're enjoying media whoredom?" I respond. "I'm great, anyway. Listen, I need a favor." I crossed my fingers before I began. Considering that I'd spent the entire conversation insulting him, I was beginning to question the intelligence of that move.

Ah well, fuck it. "I need an American contact that teaches and is good in psychology over here in the US. Do you know of anyone offhand?"

"Yeah, but what's wrong Edward. Did something happen?" his voice suddenly turning melodramatically serious. "Are you having psychological problems related to trauma from the horror that is the postmodern era? Go to your happy place Edward. It helps."

"Hardy har. No, it's for a part. I'm doing background research and I've got no contacts." I said, suddenly feeling a bit guilty that I hadn't simply researched this myself.

"Sure, let me get back to you." He replied. "I'll ring back soon."

Despite his slightly erratic and totally dramatic personality, he was also very intelligent, driven, and efficient when necessary. I had every confidence he would be able to find exactly who I needed.

I decided to look up the latest in child development on the World Wide Web (or Interweb, or whatever they call it this week) while I waited.

As I read, I was struck by how much things have changed over the years. Children are no longer expected to contribute to the survival of the family. The old saying, 'Children should be seen and not heard' has gone out of favor.

After a while, the phone rang. It was Kit.

Before I could even say hello, he bellowed, "Found one! But of course I did, I'm Kit Marlow!"

"Of course." I said, less than enthusiastic.

"Her name is Dr. Robin Dylan, she works at the University of Boulder, in Colorado. I'm sure your people can Google her and find contact information." He chuckled.

"Right, my people. The entire entourage of two, unless you're counting the family." I said, rolling my eyes.

"Good luck mate, I have to run. Gotta telly interview to do about my brilliance. Great to talk to you, don't get too much American ass while you're over there, and work on that annunciation!" He said, adding, "Speak from your diaphragm, man!"

"Right, great advice. Cheers!" Oy! That man was seriously ridiculous and entirely too in love with himself. The recent media frenzy had not helped things. What he needed was a true love that would put him in his place.

Getting American ass, as he so crudely put it, was not my top priority. Everyone has a true love (or mate), and you know it when you meet that person. Outside of that, casual sex is an option, but it's risky.

Not because of STDs. I'm a vampire, remember? It's because there is something innately wrong about being with someone who is not your mate.

One can ignore it for a while and have a concubine, (pardon me, I mean fuck-buddy), but eventually it becomes unbearable.

What's more discouraging is that some vampires have waited a millennium before finding their mate, like my friend Erik and his previously-human mate Susanna.

I've looked and looked and never found her. So, I've pretty much given up hope in finding someone right now.

Since the big outing and my ability to take up acting, I grabbed that chance to expose myself to more people in the hopes that I'd meet her. I met tons of fans and people in the business all over the world, but I've not had a single inkling that a mate was around.

I shake myself out of my little daydream and call my assistant, Lauren. I'm ready to get this ball rolling.

A few hours later Lauren showed up. This isn't good. If it were good news, she'd have just phoned.

"Hello, what's up?" I asked.

"Well, we've got a good lead, but it's complicated." she explained while biting her lip.

"Ookaay…what does that mean?" I was confused.

Lauren began a long and very quickly spoken explanation, "I called Dr. Dylan, she knows of a student who is single and has children. Apparently their program is very competitive and most people don't have kids that go to university there."

After taking a big breath, she continued, "So…this one woman, Bella, fits the bill but she's in the middle of studying for some sort of qualifying exams. They are supposed to be tough and Dr. Dylan indicated very stressful. Because of this she feels that a call directly from you would help convince her to take on this project in the midst of her studies."

Lauren again took a deep breath and this time held it. I could tell she was worried about this request. As a personal assistant to the stars, she was used to prima donnas and had only been with me since I began rehearsal for the show in New York.

Time to put her mind at ease. "Sure, that's fine. You may have to initiate the call though, otherwise she may think it's a prank."

"No problem, but don't worry, Dr. Dylan will warn her that this call is coming." She replied. "Shall I dial the number for you?"

"No, Lauren, that won't be necessary. I have dialed a phone a time or two. Thanks for stopping by, why don't you take the rest of the day off, yeah?"

"Thank you, Mr. Cullen! Here's her contact information." But for some reason she looked disappointed.

"Remember, Lauren, you can call me Edward."

"Right, sir. See you tomorrow, Edward." She said my first name as she always did, with a little giggle, as if it were wrong for me to be casual. The next time I see her I bet she'll be back to 'Mr. Cullen'. That's how it usually went. Ah well. Time to quit stalling and make that call.

Okay, it's 8 p.m. New York Time, so it should be 6 p.m. in Colorado. Now should be as good a time as any. Besides, I like to get my jobs done in a timely fashion – makes me feel like I'm being a hard worker.

So, I nervously dial the number while giving myself a pep talk. 'Come on Edward, you're 300 years old, a movie star, and broadway star, no need to be nervous.' I repeated to myself. Why I was nervous was beyond me, truly.

"Hello? Hang on punkin, Mommy's on the phone. Sorry about that…" A woman with a beautiful voice said.

"Uh, yes, this is Edward Cullen, I heard you were told I would call." I was so nervous I had to clear my throat after that small statement.

"Oh yes, I knew about the project, but I didn't actually think I'd speak to you directly. At least not today. Well, it's nice to hear from you." She cleared her throat too. I chuckled, because her nervousness not only put me at ease, but was adorable as well.

Is it getting warm in here? Hmm…

"Well, I'm, uh, playing a character who is attending graduate school for psychology. He's a single dad and I figured the best way to know what that was like would be for me to shadow someone for a few days. Dr. Dylan highly recommended you. Would that be okay? I know that you're taking a big exam soon and I promise I won't be in your way. And, by the way, I'd be willing to help you study as well." I was rambling. Rambling and apparently I had gained a potentially overly-cocky level of confidence in my ability to actually help her with her work. Geez, what was wrong with me?

"Oh, well I'm very honored and I would be happy to help. How soon would you come?" She asked. Her voice was so appealing for some reason. Sweet, soothing, lovely. Not very southern sounding at all.

That's weird. Speaking of weird, I wonder if she's a weirdo hiding behind a normal-sounding voice.

I bet she's not, she sounds so nice. Hmmm…Oops, did she ask me a question?

"Are you there?" she asked.

"Oh, sorry about that. Yes, I'm here. My play ends this weekend, so if it's alright I'd like to start early next week."

"I'm afraid that if you want to stay at my house that you won't get much alone time during the day or night. Between my insomnia and my children, it's pretty hopeless. Also, if you're going to shadow me to classes and practicum you're going to have to sign some sort of confidentiality/privacy thing. You should talk to Dr. Dylan about that." She spoke so quickly if I weren't a vampire I imagine it would be hard to keep up.

"Yeah, that's fine, I'll find out about that. And don't worry, I'll stay the night at a hotel. I'd hate to impose."

"If you're worried that I'm afraid that you'll eat me or my children, I can assure you that I'm very sensitive to vampire culture. Really, don't worry, I'm aware of your feeding habits so I'm not afraid." She replied.

"Oh, well I appreciate that." I cleared my throat again. "I'd really rather not disrupt you and your children's routine, I've read that's important." Yay interweb!

"Unfortunately, most of my studying gets done once the kids are asleep, so you may have some days with long hours. Or you could do daytime with me one day and nighttime with me another day." She replied thoughtfully.

"I'm sure everything will work out. Thank you so much for giving me your time. This is fantastic, I'll feel so much better about the role with your help. My assistant, Joe, will contact you soon with the details." I explained.

"Sure, sounds fine. See you soon then."

"Right, bye" I breathed a sigh of relief. That wasn't so bad. She seemed nice. She also had a sexy voice. Hmmm….smart, responsible lady with sexy voice. I took off my sweater, boy it was warm in here.

Shaking myself out of my reverie, I decided to go through the script before night fell. This was the most difficult for me. I have always wanted a woman to share my life with. Someone smart, sweet, and made just for me.

The women I've had in the past were great but just not _the_ one. I always justified my interactions with them by saying I was preparing for the real deal. I wanted to be sure to be able to pleasure my mate once we met. Besides, vampires need a nice release now and then too, ya know.

After reading and memorizing the script, I went to the library to play the piano. Lately I've been in a dark mood, so Beethoven hit the spot. When I next looked up it was already morning.

I hurried, showered, brushed teeth, and headed to my manager's place. I was ready to get to Colorado and start! I cheerily said hello to everyone on my way in. I always hate it when celebrities are rude and think they are better than everyone else, so I try hard to let others know I my shit stinks too. Or at least it would if I still shat.

All the ladies think I'm "cute, little Edward" even still. I don't know if it's due to my size, or the fact that I'm not a jerk. It's slightly emasculating though, I must admit. Is Rob Pattinson "Cute and little"? Nope, no he's not, lucky bastard.

That whole supposed rivalry between us is such crap. A. I hardly know the guy, just cause he looks a bit like me doesn't mean we're buddies. B. I'm keenly aware that we are two very different actors, so I really don't feel threatened. C. I'm 300 years old and a vampire. Enough said.

I finally made it to the back office where my manager, Jessica was sitting in her luxurious office. Really kinda gaudy if you ask me, but no one is, so never mind. Returning again from my flight of fancy, I hear her ask how I am.

"I'm fine, ready to finish up with the play and move on to the next project. I spoke with a woman who's agreed to let me shadow her. She said something about confidentiality though. Do you know anything about that?"

"Yes, I spoke with the head of the department there and they will be satisfied if you go through a bit of training and then sign a paper stating you'll keep everything confidential. She said it was called a certificate of confidentiality" she replied.

"What kind of training?" I ask with trepidation. Training sucks because no one yet believes that vampires have such incredible access to memories and that learning occurs very quickly.

"Just need to learn about research with human subjects and confidentiality issues. Some of it you can do online and the rest once you get to Colorado." She made it sound so pleasant.

I know I should be patient but I hate wasting time because the human training me refuses to believe that I could have memorized the manual one time through and continues to test me as if I'm an imbecile. Hmmm….maybe it's not worth it.

Then again, this process would help me learn about the field, helping me with my character. What the hell, I'll live through it, ha! "Okay, I'll do it. I'd like to arrive in Colorado by early next week. Can you make those arrangements with your school?" I ask.

"Of course! I'll let you know the specifics when I know them. I'll e-mail a link to the web site you'll need for that confidentiality stuff."

"Great," I say, "I'll talk to you later then."

Alright! Time to get busy making travel plans. AKA time to call Lauren!

_**Note-**_** Hi all! Thanks for reading! **

**Please, please, please review. **

**I'd love to get an idea of what you all think of this story, whether I should continue, and/or how I could improve.**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I shook myself out of my reverie, and decided to go through the script before night fell. This was the most difficult time for me, when all was quiet and the humans were sleeping, unlike us vamps. I had always wanted a woman to share my life with. Someone smart, sweet, and made just for me. It had gotten better since I had moved out on my own and didn't have to live in a house full of perfectly perfect couples, with Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, Alice, Emmett, & Rose.

I'd tried a variety of tactics to reduce the loneliness through the years. The women I'd had in the past were great but just not _the_ one. I always justified my interactions with them by saying I was preparing for the real deal. I wanted to be sure to be able to pleasure my mate once we met. Besides, vampires need a nice release now and then too, right?

After reading and memorizing the script, I went to the library to play the piano. At the moment I'd been in a dark mood, so Beethoven hit the spot. When I next looked up it was already morning.

I hurried, showered, brushed my teeth, and headed to my manager's place. I was ready to get to Colorado and start! I cheerily said hello to everyone on my way in. I always hate it when celebrities are rude and think they are better than everyone else, so I always tried hard to let others know I my shit stinks too. Or at least it would if I still shat. Besides, if I'm going to be spending time with a saint, I'd better practice my saintly behavior. Wouldn't want to make the poor dear uncomfortable.

The women in the office were all smiles and full of extremely embarrassing thoughts staring yours truly. Many of them involving having me lie across their bosom, while stroking my unruly hair. All the ladies who know me through film work thought I was "cute, little Edward" even after the big outing of vampires. Not sure if it was due to my age at turning, or the fact that I'm not a jerk. It's slightly emasculating though, I must admit. Is Rob Pattinson "Cute and little"? Nope, no he's not, lucky bastard. The real lucky bastards are all those fuckers out there that didn't have to listen in on each person they come into contact's mind!

Anyway, that whole supposed rivalry between us is such crap. A. I hardly knew the guy; just cause he looks a bit like me doesn't mean we were buddies. B. I was keenly aware that we were two very different actors, so I really didn't feel threatened. C. I'm 300 years old and a vampire. Enough said, though truth be told I kind of miss my old human days. So, I'm compensating. Don't judge!

I finally made it to the back office where my manager, Mike, was sitting in his luxurious office. Really, kinda gaudy office if you ask me, but no one was, so never mind. Returning again from my flight of fancy, I heard him ask how I am and offer me a glass of caribou blood. There are definite perks to vampires being out in society, let me tell you.

"I'm fine, ready to finish up with the play and move on to the next project. I spoke with a woman who's agreed to let me shadow her. She said something about confidentiality though. Do you know anything about that?"

"Yes, I spoke with the head of the department there and they will be satisfied if you go through a bit of training and then sign a paper stating you'll keep everything confidential. She said it was called a certificate of confidentiality" she replied.

"What kind of training?" I asked with trepidation. Training sucks because no one yet fully believed that vampires have such incredible access to memories and that learning occurs very quickly. There's a disconnect for some reason. Insecurity maybe? I'm not the only one compensating, people.

"You just need to learn about research with human subjects and confidentiality issues. Some of it you can do online and the rest once you get to Colorado." He made it sound so pleasant.

I knew I should be patient but I hated wasting time because the human training me refused to believe that I could have memorized the manual one time through and continued to test me as if I were an imbecile. Hmmm….maybe it was not worth it.

Then again, this process would help me learn about the field, helping me with my character. I'd also get to meet that saintly and wonderful woman. I could say, I knew Saint Bella long ago. Just like I got to do with Gandhi. _What the hell_, I thought, _I'll live through it, ha!_ "Okay, I'll do it. I'd like to arrive in Colorado by early next week. Can you make those arrangements with the university?" I asked.

"Of course! I'll let you know the specifics when I know them. I'll e-mail a link to the web site you'll need for that confidentiality stuff." Mike said with an ass-kissing smile. He often wore that expression. Especially when he drops those silent, but deadly bombs on me, as he is now. Geez, does the guy not get the concept of enhanced senses? Perhaps I should invent some plastic pants that catch flatulence for the poor vampires in the immediate area. Hmm…future project?

"Great," I said, "I'll talk to you later then." I was ready to get out of there and away from that smarmy smile.

Alright! It was time to get busy making travel plans. AKA, time to call Lauren!

Traveling used to be extremely difficult, due to the sparkly skin in the sun issue and the Volturi's insistence that our existence be a secret. Now that we are no longer kept a secret, vampires can travel at any time of the day. If I weren't a famous movie star I'd be able to sit in coach with the sun shining on my face with no worries.

I called Lauren and made plans to fly out, first class, to Colorado. Then I checked my e-mail and found the link to the confidentiality training. Since I am a man of action, I immediately went to work. It wasn't too bad, and since it was online, I was able to answer the questions at my natural speed without a slow human asking the questions. This was even more annoying when I could hear the thoughts and thus knew what the person was thinking.

The next step was to start packing. With my sister, Alice's, love of fashion, I had plenty of outfits from which to choose. I wondered what one wears to visit a saint, a suit, Sunday clothes, or robes? I could wear black, like a priest, but that sort of also looks a lot like a blood-sucking, depraved vampire's outfit. I could shave the center of my crazy hair, wear a brown potato sack, and wear those vegan sandals. Go for a Franciscan look. Something told me that the main cats involved in the next movie shoot wouldn't be pleased to deal with a circular-shaped bald spot in the center of my crown.

I decided I'd just have to dress like myself, or maybe go shopping. Suddenly it hit me. That Bella woman has got a kid; maybe she knows how to deal with unruly hair. Perhaps she could pray to her God to heal my hair problems. I should definitely write that down. I decided I'd make a list!

Questions for the future Saint Bella

Can you heal my hair (if not, can you use your mama-powers to tame it)?

Are angels' voices as lovely as yours?

Do you get the stigmata? Because if so, that might be a problem. If you do, how much warning do you get ahead of time? I might need to make a hasty retreat at those times.

I was ready. Now, I just had to wait for it to be time to actually go on the trip.

I finished up the last weekend of the play, attended all the after parties, and fought off all the cougars and little cubs. While at times partaking in a little slap and tickle was just fine, this weekend I was focused.

I would not walk into that little angel's home with the filthy stench of cheap sex weighing on my soul, or psyche, or whatever. As a saint she'd surely spot it a mile away. I imagined her saying, "Be gone, sexed up Satan-person! You have the taint, the taint of awkward and meaningless sex!" I shook the image out of my head. Crikey, no one wants that.

What if she didn't like me? Ewww…what's worse, what if she doesn't think anything about me at all. What if I were a forgettable actor-vampire, a distraction from her busy life as a saint, mother, and student.

I wondered when I had become so egocentric. Was it because of Hollywood? Had Kit rubbed off on me? Had I always been completely full of myself? Suddenly, the phone rang.

"Ello" I said, in my charming British accent.

"Yes, you always have been, at least as long as I have known you." Alice replied.

"Since when do you read minds, and how did you do that from so far away?" I asked, perplexed.

"You were just about to call me to ask me if you'd always been so full of yourself. Thought I'd save you the time." She said, as if she hadn't just insulted me.

"Ah, yes. You've always been a most kind and considerate sister, my dear." The sarcasm was dripping from my voice and landing in a gigantic pile at my feet. That's how big the sarcasm was. Just wanted you all to know.

"You know, Edward, she's just a woman." Alice hedged.

"You know, Alice, you wouldn't know a saint if it hit you on the head. Which is kind of impossible since saints are supposed to be nonviolent and forgiving, no matter what you do, even if it is really bad. Like making outrageous claims about the sanctity of certain women with a first name that starts with B. I think you get the point."

"Wow," she responded. "What's up with you? Have you started drinking cocaine-laced blood?"

"What? No!" I was appalled.

"You're acting weird. Weirder than most vampires who find…um, never mind. So, what are you wearing? I hope you put a sexy outfit in there. You never know what might happen" she replied.

"Alice, give it up. I'll probably never find her." I was so sick of her lecture about not giving up hope of finding my true love. She hadn't seen any visions of this person. I know that if she had any visions anytime recently that I would've gotten a call straight away. Much squealing would ensue. Not just from me either.

A strange squeak came from her. "Edward, I've gotta go. Talk to you later. Arrgghh!" Something Told me the final expletive was not meant for my ears. I bet Jasper was sucking on her toes again. Yuck. Why do that when a person is on the phone, I mean really. We all don't have to share in the moment.

I decided to repack, take some things out, and add some new things. I went shopping at some specialty shops, hoping that Saint, I mean Bella, would approve. I wanted nothing sexy, nothing too extravagant, and nothing screaming 'man-who-has-had-numerous-sexual-encounters'. I didn't care what Alice thought.

Finally, I was packed. I decided that since I had offered to help Bella study that I would bone up on some psychology! I went to the library, which extended its hours thanks to the outing, and 12 hours later, I had read several hundred books. What can I say, being a vampire has its perks?

Before I knew it I was on the plane, heading to Colorado. I was excited, but nervous as well. So much so that the screaming fans and sycophantic hangers-on didn't even faze me. Her holiness knew some things about vampires because she said she was pro-vampire rights. She didn't know enough to know that I could keep any schedule being as I don't require sleep. I wondered how she'd really respond to a vampire in close quarters.

I finally arrived in the town of Boulder and was fond of it instantly. As I had read this weekend, Boulder is the home of the Boulder Model for psychology where science and practice meet. That's pretty cool, for shizzle. (That was a new slang I'd picked up recently. I told you all I was hip with the times.) Not only that, but I now knew about Carl Rogers, B.F. Skinner, Albert Ellis, and even more important people that have popped up in the last 30 or 40 years in psychology.

I was so gonna knock that girl's halo off her head, she'd be so impressed! I'd quickly have to replace the halo straight away though, of course. Maybe I shouldn't make jokes about her holiness. God might smite me. Or worse, umate Rosalie from Emmett and mate her with me. Ack!

I'd recently taken to calling Bella 'her holiness', at least since I'd boarded the plane. It's more fitting than Saint Bella, as technically she must be dead to be a saint. Of course, I'd have to make sure that I didn't say such things in front of her because like all saints, I was sure she was very humble and easily embarrassed by compliments.

I arrived at my hotel and quickly called her holiness, I mean Bella. Bella, Bella, Bella. Not her holiness. I had to remember to call her Bella!

"Hello" came the beautiful voice on the other end.

"Um, hi. It's your favorite vampire-slash-actor!" And total and complete asshole.

Regardless of my supreme idiocy, the poor child laughed. Surely just for me, only as an attempt to prevent me from feeling like the asshat I was. See, let there be no more doubts, this woman was directly channeling the Virgin Mary.

"How are you? Did you have a good trip?" she asked.

"Quite well. Can I come by?" I was so anxious to get over there.

"Um, sure. Can you give me about an hour?"

"Absolutely. Can you text this number with your address? I've lately been taken with the modern gadgets." Just wanted to let her know that I'm not some stuffy and dusty old dude.

"Okay. I'll send it right away and see you soon. Call if you get lost."

"Sure. Cheers!" I wouldn't get lost, thanks to my handy, dandy taxi driver.

I decided to take a bath to make sure I'd really scrubbed any past indiscretions away. Of course, it had been 30 years since my last casual sex encounter but one can never be too careful.

I got dressed, tried to tame my hair, failed, and made sure I brought my list of questions in my pocket. Soon enough I received the text and the taxi had arrived.

As we pulled up to her home, I was struck by how small it was. But of course a saint wouldn't have an ostentatious home. She also had bars on her windows and signs everywhere declaring her home protected by some home security company. I looked around at the other homes and none of them had the same level of security.

Someone else must agree about her saintliness and decided to protect the dear thing. I paid the driver and got out. I took a deep, calming breath and walked to the front door. I am calm, I am not an asshole. Don't call her Saint Bella, or her holiness.

I heard her footsteps as they travelled from the back of the house to the front door. As the door opened, a horrible screeching blasted my ears. As I covered my ears and closed my eyes (yes Hollywood has made me slightly soft) I could hear her step away and push a few buttons. Finally the terrible sounds ended and she returned.

She was slightly sweaty, had dark brown hair sticking to her forehead, and a smile that would melt the coldest heart. But it was her eyes that made me take a step back. They were deep, dark, and chocolate brown and I was lost in them.

"Sorry," she said, "my dad went a little over-the-top with the security system." Then she quickly scanned me up and down.

Then she spoke. "Oh shit, are you joining a monastery?"

_**Note-**_** Hi all! Thanks for reading! **

**Please, please, please review. **

**I'd love to get an idea of what you all think of this story, whether I should continue, and/or how I could improve.**


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